(Man) Who'll start me at 100? 100 for a start.
100 I'm bid. 100 I'm bid.
Who'll give me 10, who'll make it 110? I'm looking for 110.
100? 110 I'm bid. 110?
Who'll make it 20? Come on, gentlemen, who'll make it 20?
120 I'm bid. It's with you, madam, at 120.
Do I hear 50? 150 anywhere?
Come on, gentlemen, that's a genuine antique. They don't come up every day. 150?
150 I'm bid.
Come on, gentlemen, I'm looking for 350.
350 anywhere?
Don't lose it, madam, don't lose it for another 50.
350 anywhere? 350 I'm bid.
At 350. Who'll make it four? I'm looking for four.
Any more? At 350.
Are you all done? At 350? At 350...
Lovejoy.
Call up Tim.
What the hell?
Scam. An antique scam.
- Not "an". The scam. - On what?
It's Venice.
- Well, what in Venice? - (Woman) Venice itself.
Great, how did we get it through Customs?
Now that young man knows everything I told him.
That won't be a problem.
Well, if it's not absurd, I don't think you're the kind of people I wanna work for.
Well, if it's not absurd and you don't work for us,
wouldn't that make your position rather... vulnerable?
Are you threatening me, Caterina?
(Horse neighs)
Think of the resources that Pinder has backing him up.
Know-how, expertise, manpower, money, money, more money.
Go to the police, Lovejoy.
If you're so convinced all these things add up, go to the police.
Can you imagine our local law coming up against that lot?
- I know that look. - What look?
The look that says you're going to be impetuous, vengeful,
irresponsible and stupid.
Janey!
- Hello! - Nancy, hello. Nice to see you.
- You look lovely. - Thank you.
In the 18th century, Venice abounded with artists.
I mean, Canaletto, Tiepolo, Piazzetta, Ricci.
Blokes who used the same boozer but became famous long after they were gone.
And some old collector used to buy all their sketches and doodles and put on each scrap,
the artist's original name in beautiful copperplate writing.
Nobody knows who he was but we call him "the reliable Venetian hand".
- The RVH. - And you found one?
They? Who are they?
Miss Norman.
She's my best client, so I did not refuse.
Miss Norman, who lives at the Palazzo Malcontento?
Sii.
You see, she pays for many people to come to Venice through Cosul Tours.
(Lovejoy) And Nancy the American girl is one of the tourists?
Yes, that's right.
(Gunshot)
- Ah! - Shh.
Listen, you've been shot, but you're OK.
The bullet went right through your shoulder, OK?
The shock made you unconscious for a minute.
It must... have been the hunters.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - Ah!
- An accident? - Oh, sure, an accident.
Listen, Cosima, I don't think it was an accident.
Listen, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm sorry, I don't know what I got you into.
Please, it's not your fault.
- Can you move? - Sii.
- (Moans) - Shh. OK.
There's a boat. OK?
Come here. Trust me.
(Nurse) Signor Lovejoy? Da questa parte, prego.
- You're all right. - Yes.
Did the police see you?
Yes. By the time they've done their checking, I hope to have this business settled.
- You must go away or hide. - No.
- But, Signorina Norman... - Shh.
No, no, they can't say anything, they'll implicate themselves.
So what will you do?
Plan B, love.
Plan B.
Lovejoy. Lovejoy Antiques.
So much for plan B.
(Lovejoy) 0h, you can get to Pinder with your charm.
That's all you want me to ask him?
Yeah. Will do.
Oh, do you want me to wire you some money?
Yes, I know you can't ask but you'll need some, you always do.
OK, take care.
Money? I assume that must be your friend Lovejoy.
The poor dear's in some desperate mess.
Do you know, I think it will be less trouble and of a lot less expense if we adopted him.
He could have his own room, clean the horse brasses.
Grazie.
Dov'è Cosima? Nella sua camera, sii?
You go with her yesterday, she not come back.
Maledetti stranieri.
I don't like the way you look at her. I don't like the way you look at anybody!
Well don't look then, eh?
- Now I hurt you pretty bad. - Oh, shit.
(Australian accent) Lovejoy. You wanna kick his goolies, Pommie?
Now's your chance.
Oh, no, I'd never hit a man when somebody else can do it better.
(Italian man groans)
You've been in my house before, Lady Felsham, I remember you.
With my husband, yes. It was some years ago, cocktails.
I remember all my parties, there are so few of them.
But today you've come about Mr. Lovejoy.
Yes, it's about the position you offered him.
Did he tell you what the position entailed?
No, only that it involved working with antiques in Venice.
Unhappily he refused.
I know, but he's changed his mind. He asked me to tell you.
- I don't understand. - None of us understand Lovejoy, sir.
- Shall I? - Please, please.
He just wanted to see Venice before he made up his mind about living there.
That's why he's there now.
- Lovejoy's in Venice? - Yes.
I thought you knew.
No.
Sii, praticamente la conferma è OK, i posti ci sono...
- Giuseppe. - Lovejoy, what a crazy things to happen,
I hope they find these madmen with guns.
- How do you say it in English? - (Phone)
- Same thing. Er... - Pronto...
Momento, Giuseppe.
- Where are the Americans? - Sono andati con Signora Norman. Guardi che...
- Where? - Verso I'isola di Torcello, on the Temptress.
- What's the Temptress, a private boat? - Sii, sii.
- OK. Ciao, grazie. - Buongiorno... Ciao.
Eh, sii... No, stavo parlando con un mio cliente, scusi, signora.
Hi. Where are you off to?
(Nancy) I'm with my boss. (Lovejoy) What's the matter?
I was only going to ask you if you wanted to have dinner.
No, we can't have dinner. We can't have anything.
I like you, Lovejoy, but you're after something
you could just screw my job up, OK?
Signor Lovejoy?
È un messaggio per lei da Inghilterra. È di una signora.
- Oh, grazie. - Prego.
I don't understand.
You don't think the man in England wanted you shot?
I had a call from home. Pinder does not know I'm in Venice,
so he wasn't the one who ordered me followed.
- Or shot at. - Right.
Have you seen Signorina Norman?
Couldn't get past the door, love, but I will tomorrow.
We'd better let you rest.
I believe I'm expected this time.
Prego, signori.
Caterina? I thought you were in England.
She is, I'm Lavinia.
Twins?
Tonio, this is our Signor Lovejoy, so esteemed by my sister and grandfather.
Lovejoy, that man there is Tonio.
Even at first glance I can tell he doesn't like you.
Perhaps it's not first glance, perhaps he's seen me before.
Perhaps.
Tonio, get Lovejoy a drink.
Cigarette?
How can you smoke amongst all these magnificent oils?
Even the rich should know better than that.
Are you as expert as Grandfather said, Lovejoy?
- He's a dealer, not a faker. - (Lovejoy) How do you know that?
I was in England when Mr. Pinder saw you.
Really?
Were you there a few days before, perhaps, at an auction?
We were buying Venetian art, we were at many auctions.
I hope the champagne's to your satisfaction.
The glass is.
Any chance of me keeping this?
Oh, you know, souvenir of my visit.
If you work for us, Lovejoy, you can buy your own souvenirs.
- Well, count me in. - Are you a dealer?
Yeah. I've done a few forgeries in my time.
I'm good.
I'm just tired of wasting my talents for pennies.
I need to be... upwardly mobile.
I want the jackpot.
I want to... How is it you Americans say? Cash in all my dance tickets.
Not at Vassar, we didn't. What's this?
Well, you know.
Well, if you and sis were as much into Venetian art as your grandad is.
Yeah, with Grandad we had no choice.
What about Mum? Mrs. Norman.
She in the family business?
(Sighs) Mother's a ditz. Something happened to mother once.
I think it was the '60s.
Anyway, now mummy lives near Santa Barbara where she grows her own pot,
saves the whales and fights for the rights of migrant grape pickers.
This is an R.V.H.
Lovejoy.
- Ricci, by Lovejoy. - I don't think so.
- May I? - Honey, art's not your thing.
What is, hairdressing?
Lovejoy, would you shut up? Now you say you faked this?
Yep.
- Dov'è Luciano? - Sull'isola.
Oh, thank you, but I don't smoke.
- Burn it. - What?
- Burn the sketch. - What?
Well, it's a fake, right? So burn...
It's a bloody brilliant fake, lady. I could make a hell of a deal on this.
You won't need deals if we employ you, Lovejoy.
- Burn it. - That's a waste.
Antiques really are quite special to you, aren't they, Lovejoy?
Maybe more important than anything else.
So if it's real, you won't destroy it because you can't.
But if it's a fake...
Sorry about your carpet.
Forgive me, Ricci.
(Lovejoy) Ah, why do you have to tie the hands as well? What if we sink?
Ground, Signor. You cannot swim either.
We Venetians have this superstition.
Learn to swim and the lagoon thinks you do not trust her.
- She does? - Takes revenge.
- Especially at the time of acqua alta. - What's that?
High water.
Ehi, Lucia, un altro falsificatore.
Va bene. Non rimanere qui, lo sistemo io.
(Scots accent) They tell me you're a tasty faker.
Haven't had time to see the word is on you yet, from back home, like.
Luciano? Where the hell did you get a name like that?
About five years back, when I first come here.
Used to be Louis, Louis Tilly.
Before a series of unfortunate altercations with Scotland Yard's Fraud Squad
drove me to sunnier climes.
Called myself Luciano because he was lucky.
So far so have I been, especially since copping this job a couple of years back.
Come on.
Is there, er... (Clears throat)
...anything else I should know?
Yeah.
I don't want anybody screwing up this caper.
Don't want no one bollocking up my retirement
by being too curious or too greedy or too naughty.
No, no. I tell all the new boys the same. Just keep your nose clean, do your job,
and there'll be more than a drink in it for you at the end of the day.
Lucky, do I look like the kind of fella that would ruin your retirement?
You'd better not.
Lake Como's what I had in mind. Good for my chest.
Lake Como after this... bleeding dungeon.
- Where the hell are we anyway? - Did I not tell you not to ask questions?
- I'm sorry, Lucky. - Have you not heard a word I said?
- A force of habit. - Well, change your habits, if you're gonna stay.
I didn't know cameras were allowed in the Cora Museum.
- They're not. - Then I'm impressed.
With the fake.
- (Shouts) Very good ageing. - He's not deaf, you know.
His squaring is a bit dodgy though.
It's easier for forging but it wouldn't fool a seasoned connoisseur,
especially if he had an X-ray machine handy.
Non toccare.
Yeah, a proper little know-all you are, aren't ya?
- It's you. - Me.
- Good. - I know.
Oh, I know it is, son.
You know what they say.
A great fake must be better than the original.
Come on, we'll get you started.
È buono, eh?
Di mangiare.
(Rumbling)
What's that, uh... What's that noise?
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom?
- Scusi? - Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Oh, forget it.
(Groans)
No grub, no girls, no gossip. And I volunteered.
Tomorrow I go south. To convalesce with my family.
If I get out of this in one piece I might come and join you.
I wish you would.
Why did you get so mixed up in all this?
I don't know.
Everything got blurred.
You see, this man Pinder in England... and then there's this operation in Venice
but I don't know if he knows what going on.
Do you think the people here are cheating him?
Yes. He didn't know I was in Venice,
so he can't be blamed for me being followed or attacked.
And I think Lavinia's flying in planeloads of rich tourists to sell off the merchandise.
I'm sorry but does not Pinder wish to sell them?
No, I really believe that he wants to preserve them.
But Lavinia, I really don't know what her game is.
And I don't know if Caterina knows and I don't know what Tonio is,
if he's a boyfriend, if so, whose boyfriend he is and...
For your sake I don't know if I should be telling you this.
Oh, please. I'm quite safe here.
- You know when we went to Torcello? - Mm-hm.
I wanted you to make love to me that day.
- Cesare? - Sii?
The Lido steamers, which routes do they take?
They go to St Michele, Murano, Burano, Torcello...
- No, that's too large, too inhabited. - For what?
For what I have in mind.
- Uh, to the south they go to... - No, forget the south, that's too far.
That leaves the islands, the Lido runs.
Which ones of these that are uninhabited?
- Here, here... - What about that one?
Nothing, only rats.
Are there warnings of poison? There are many rats here.
Only rats?
Sii, sii, sii. Un attimo, un attimo! Lo sistemo io.
Lost in thought, Lovejoy?
It would speed things up if I could rig one of those hoists up in here.
It could save us days rolling these stones all over the floor.
Yeah, why not? Do it.
- I could put a cross piece against the wall... - Do it, son, do it.
- Fancy a bite, Lucky? - I hate boats.
I live above here. Small, but it suffices.
Until Lake Como.
If no one bollocks up, right.
Why can't you go back to the UK?
Oh, I could risk it. Forged passport, I suppose.
How'd you do that?
Settled in Italy, though.
Like all those footballers. Brady and Wilkins and Hateley.
Marvelous. Hateley, oh!
And we've adjusted to a different way of life.
Lucky?
Must of that stuff's crap.
That forgery factory is a cover, isn't it?
What are you on about, son?
You're an ace, you've got the best manuscript hand I've ever seen,
you must know you're working with a bunch of second-raters.
I mean, you age your canvas before you paint on it, Domenico doesn't.
And he uses acrylics, for Christ's sake.
The wood carvings are done on American pine, which stinks the place out.
What's your game, Lovejoy? What is your game?
You're an expert, why aren't they?
Must admit, not the class they once were.
But don't ask questions, son,
don't be young and foolish.
Money's too powerful.
It's giving us our orders, right?
There'll be a reek of terrible vengeance on those who oppose its wishes.
Is there something in the air in Venice that makes people talk like Shakespeare?
I'll say it plainly.
Go home, sleep, come to work. Go home, sleep, come to work.
That's the way to live.
- To dishonest endeavor. - Not for the next two days.
High water - they won't ship us out in that.
- Why's that? - Acqua alta.
Eric followed Caterina to Heathrow.
Yes, she took an Alitalia, 6:00p.m.
Yes, 6.00p.m., flight to Venice.
Oh, by the way, Eric would like reimbursement of petrol money.
What? I'll tell him you said that.
- Ho preso i fiori, signore. - Bello.
- Ti piacciono? - Bella, signora.
- Signorina Caterina Norman. - Sii.
- Palazzo Malcontento. - Sii.
- Bene. Diecimilli. - Grazie. Bene.
- Grazie. - Grazie. Buongiorno.
Thank you for the flowers, Lovejoy.
I never knew you cared.
I couldn't think of any other way of getting in contact with you, but I'm glad you like them.
- Why all the cloak and dagger? - Well...
- Let's have a drink. - Thank you.
I think Lavinia is pulling one over on Grandad.
Really?
- Oh, tell me what you know. - I'll tell you what I think.
Firstly, you told Lavinia I was going to Venice,
I mean, that's natural, but you didn't tell Pinder.
Oh, no, I didn't wanna alarm him.
Well, I found out he didn't know.
So I knew it wasn't his idea when things started to get nasty around here
including trying to knock me off.
You can't be serious!
I am, Caterina. Well, I am.
Sis and company play hardball.
I think old Pinder's over the top
but I do believe that if he's trying to preserve Venice's treasures
- until the day that he imagines it sinks. - He is.
All the items are photographed or modeled before they're forged
and then the originals are sold somewhere.
Yes, in Tuscany. I'm not telling you where.
But not before they're replaced by the fakes.
I'm listening.
Well, Grandpa's saving Venice and Lavinia's selling it.
That's why she's flying in planeloads of rich buyers for the originals.
They don't reach Tuscany, the fakes end up there
and not very good fakes at that.
- Some of the originals reach Tuscany. - What?
Well, I don't steal them all, I'm not that stupid or that greedy.
Just the ones that are easiest to sell.
- Caterina? - Caterina's at the beauty salon.
It is a shame she's going to miss your beautiful flowers.
Oh, Lavinia.
Oh, I just had to open the card, Lovejoy.
You know how curious sisters are about the other one's admirers.
Oh, and I am a fan, Lovejoy. You have been very clever.
A little too clever, my friend.
It is a shame though.
I was really getting quite fond of you.
I can't bear to watch this, I'm gonna take a shower.
Yeah.
Oh, shit!
Gerry, look what the tide's washed up.
(Coughs)
I don't think the high dive is your strong suit, sport.
Lovejoy, I'm not a shrink but if you'd like to tell us
why you're throwing yourself into the Grand Canal, me and Gerry are all ears.
Things that desperate, sport?
That cute little Cosima give you the old heave-ho, did she?
If I hadn't jumped I'd have ended up in there anyway with concrete boots on.
Jesus! Sport, if you're in some sort of trouble, count me in.
Gerry loves a spot of gratuitous violence.
We'll leave Keith in Como. Don't want to offend his artistic temperament.
Don't be a boring bitch, Gerry.
- Oh, no, you're not gay. - Isn't everyone these days?
You're not upset, are you, Lovejoy?
There's no such thing as an Australian homosexual.
It's a natural reaction against all that surfboarding,
beer-swilling, sheep-shearing macho bullshit.
Can I borrow some clothes?
I don't wanna risk going back to the hotel.
Don't you think coming back to our place is a risk?
- Lucky? - (Knock on door)
- (Lovejoy) Lucky?
Are you going to let me in?
- What's happened? - Trouble.
- What? - I'm going after the people behind the scam.
- Are you a cop or something? - No, self interest, vengeful spite.
- Got a drink? - Yeah, beer or wine?
Beer, please.
Why are you telling me all this?
To warn you. I'm gonna bust that place open,
that hoist you let me put up it's all part of a plan to pull that wall right out.
But that'll flood the place.
Exactly - and screw up Lavinia and Tonio and give us something to retire on.
- Give us? Us? - Well, naturally, Lucky.
I need your help. And to pick out a few choice pieces,
I'd hate to ruin your retirement.
Well, there's one thing, it won't be in Italy now, will it?
Oh, you could work anywhere.
I think you quite fancy going back to the old country.
No.
Listen, all I've got there is a hatchet-faced sister-in-law up in Maryhill.
Come off it.
Dundee marmalade, Sunday Post
and that bottle of Glenmorangie you just slipped in the cupboard when I came in.
- Bet you've got a haggis in the fridge. - All right, all right.
But that doesn't mean I want to work there, does it?
Thatcher, unemployment, strikes.
Partick Thistle never making the grade.
How would we do it?
You've got no choice.
You'll be out of a job tomorrow.
- Not one of us knows where they take... - I do.
- We're blindfolded until we get... - I know!
- You would need a boat. - Got one.
The minute I clapped eyes on you I knew you were trouble.
Hang on to your stomach, Lucky, we're nearly there.
Come on, Lucky, come on.
How did you work out the island?
I recognized the sound of the Lido steamers.
I timed their tos and fros and checked that against the routes and worked it out from there.
Is, um... this place secured, anyway?
Padlocks, easy.
It's a doddle, then, Louis.
I just wish you'd stop saying that, son. I've screwed up my whole life, you know.
What's that?
A lot of rats.
Well, that wasn't the wind in the bleedin' undergrowth.
(Squeaking)
I hate rats.
Come on, Lovejoy.
In 1974, they found one four feet long.
(Lucky) Considering what's in here you'd think they'd make it a bit more difficult to get in.
(Lovejoy) Four feet long? (Lucky) Yeah. And that was in 1974.
Come on, Lovejoy, get the light on.
That's one.
You know what this really is, don't you?
Yeah. Bloody great cork.
Anything pulling it from the outside will bring a chunk of wall down.
And I'm down here.
We will be.
Lucky, go and see where I come out.
Oh, go on!
Oh, shut your face, you're making me nervous.
(Squeaking)
Lovejoy?
(Banging)
Lucky?
Lucky!
Lucky?
Can you hear me?
- Lovejoy? - Lucky?
Lovejoy? Lovejoy?
- Lucky? - Lovejoy?
Go.
Pull!
That's it!
Easy, easy, go on.
Go, hold it. That's it.
Did you find it, Lucky?
I know these don't compare to your manuscripts
but they'll fool the average punter.
Oh, good evening. I was just, uh... putting in a little overtime, Lavinia.
- It's Caterina. - I'm sorry you didn't get my flowers.
In England I warned you that your situation would be vulnerable if you turned against us.
You mean it's not your sis that's ripping off Grandad?
No, it's much more complicated than that.
Lavinia's stealing the originals and sending some of the fakes to Tuscany,
only they don't all reach Tuscany
because Tonio and I have an arrangement.
- Oh, you sell the fakes. - Yes.
What a nice family! Are you related to the Borgias?
What about the Savoldo?
Tell me about Malleson.
It was one of the fakes that we sold in England.
Unfortunately it turned up at an auction,
and being Venetian, attracted my grandfather's attention.
- He wouldn't have killed for it, though. - Accidental.
Oh, yes, you didn't mean to hit him that hard, did you?
I didn't mean to hit him that hard.
Tonio.
Drop that gun or I'll blow your bleedin' balls all over the wall.
What the?
That's not a gun!
Ooh! Oh!
(Gunshot)
Take it easy, Lucky.
(Banging)
Lucky?
Hold it, son.
- The chain's attached to the back. - So?
Loosen it off.
They killed a friend of mine, they would have killed us too.
But you can't.
By the time we get out of this place, they're gonna be gone.
We'll find them. And I want Lovejoy.
Oh, no, no, Lovejoy is mine.
- You let them out, didn't you? - No.
- Listen, you did, didn't you? - Yeah.
(Crashing)
Untie that boat!
Oh, my God.
Clever little so-and-so, aren't you?
That stuff in them tubes must be worth a bob or two.
I owe you one, Lucky. I've caused you enough trouble already.
No, you've probably done me a favor.
(Lovejoy) How's that?
(Lucky) Well, with all that double dealing going on,
the bubble was bound to burst, and sooner rather than later.
I would have been done, wouldn't I?
(Lovejoy) Oh, you're well out of it.
(Coughing)
What are you two doing here?
Doesn't it make you wonder that we keep popping up?
We've been on your tail since day one, sport.
- On my tail? - We're sort of police.
Art Squad.
Am I under arrest?
You might have to hang around for a while.
We're after bigger fish.
Local clink's not bad, though.
- We'll see you're OK, Lovejoy. - The grub's good.
- Lots of pasta. - Yeah.
Oh, if you get a choice of cells, don't take the basement.
Tendency to damp.
So those Art Squad guys, they've been on the case for ages.
Bunch of bloody amateurs.
And according to Lovejoy, fakes began to appear all over...
What professional art thief would have been that careless?
- I agree, but what I don't understand... - (Cheers)
Or what profoundly distresses me
is why he isn't languishing in some wretched Italian prison right now.
Well, they had nothing on me.
Oh, here's your change, Jane.
Well, apart from stealing a boat, and I've got away with that before, haven't I?
- I helped them. - How'd you do that?
Well, they took me to this villa in Tuscany.
That's where you sent this postcard from.
Anyway, this is where all the stuff was stashed and I separated the crap from the genuine.
- You might have put a stamp on it. - Mm?
As someone with a vested interest in the fiscal fortune of Lovejoy Antiques,
am I to understand we've sod all to show for this jaunt?
Oh, I wasn't in it for the money.
I wanted to see criminals brought to justice.
Oh, so you're still broke and fairly desperate then, are you?
(Jane) It's true what Charlie said, isn't it? You are as broke as ever?
Yep.
You've got to stop chasing all over the place,
getting into all sorts of trouble and... scaring your friends.
- You were scared? - I was worried, we all were.
You missed me.
Lovejoy, I missed you more than I'm prepared to say.
It's very disconcerting.
I missed you, I always do.
Well you had Nancy and Cosima to amuse you.
Oh, and Lavinia and Caterina and Lord knows who else.
Lady Felsham, I do believe you're jealous.
- No, I am not! - Yes, you are.
I know, it's pathetic.
You are the one person in the world I could never lie to, about women or anything else.
So if you're wondering if I slept with any of those women, the answer is a categorical no.
- Hello, son. - Oh, Lucky.
(Laughs)
Hey, quaint little neck of the woods you live in here.
What the hell are you doing here anyway?
- Listen, do you want a cup of tea? - Mm.
See, after you dropped me off that night, I did everything you taught me -
I went to ground, fixed myself a new passport after a while and came home.
- I've got something for you. - Yeah?
- Oh, Lucky. - No, no, no, you need a stake.
Jeez, it's freezing in here. So's the whole of England.
- No, you can't. - Please.
- You've got the other one. - Oh, yes.
- My retirement, isn't it? - Lake Como.
No, Maryhill.
OK, Lovejoy.
Which one was it?